Saturday, 6 April 2013

how am I gonna be an optimist about this?

Haven't written a blog post in over a month but have been so busy with my new job and uni coursework and presentations and Easter break and literally stressing myself out so much I just want to crawl under my duvet and never come back out again.

Whoever said University was a doss had clearly never done a degree in English and History as well as working 21 hours a week. I'm easily stressed at the best of times and get myself into such a state over the smallest of worries, always have done, and recently it's got me down so much. What's more worrying is that in spite of all my stresses, it still doesn't instill any proactive energy within me and right now, I have a 2000 word essay due in on Monday. It's a saturday night, I've spent all day at work and have to again tomorrow, and haven't even started the essay. I literally cannot even muster the energy to try right now. Ironically, I am taking the time to write this blog post but for some reason I feel that venting like this, and writing everything down is a good coping mechanism. Is there a name for this condition? Stressing and panicking and worrying, and yet still not doing a THING about it? After the hassle of A-Levels and going to Uni and dropping out and starting again and finally trying to turn my life around, I still can't even just sit down, open up my textbooks and write a stupid essay on Wuthering Heights. And I actually LIKE Wuthering Heights. It's just the thought of even doing this work sends my brain into a meltdown and I procrastinate like nobodies business and will literally do ANYTHING apart from this work. My room is spotless because I've been tidying it rather than sitting down and starting this work.

I feel in such a weird place mentally right now. University (the second time round) was supposed to be my chance to do it right. I fucked up royally the first time, but this time I'm on my own nearly 24 hours a day (especially at the moment because its Easter holidays and everyone else has gone home). I don't want it to seem like I don't care about my degree though. The fear of failing makes me want to jump off a bridge- failure is not an option. I need a good degree classification in order to get onto a PGCE course, but even the thought of applying for that makes me feel dizzy. I want to be a grownup, I want to be a teacher more than anything, I can't wait to finally have a fulltime job that isn't something remedial or boring or minimum wage- and yet I simply cannot muster any energy to make this happen. Please tell me I am not the only young person who feels like this? This blog post has barely touched the surface as to all the messed up weird feelings that are going through my head at the moment but I really needed to write this down. Even if no one reads this I feel like somehow this has helped me. Or it's just pushed me further towards the edge as I publish my worries and they become closer to a reality and I can see what a right weirdo I am. Arghhhhhhhhhhhhh